Have you ever feel that you always keep failing?
Never winning on something worth while.
Always have the glitch that you will always fail?
No matter how many tries you're trying to pull, but in the end you will keep failing?
No matter how many prayers, how many tears, how many sorrows
it will always keep failing?
I did. I always did.
How many times I tried, it keeps failing... pieces by pieces.
But I dont want to stop. I feel that I cant stop.
Although I know in the end, I will fail.
Hurt, but true.
Thursday, 3 November 2011
Tuesday, 1 November 2011
01.11.2011
today: empty, angry
*how can someone feel the different thing on the same time*
Lately I dont know what to feel.
I feel like I'm dying. I want to die. But I'm scared of death. I dont want to die.
I dont know what to feel.
I've been missing my daddy more.
Hoping that he should be here. Hoping that nothing change. Hoping that someone should be here to protect me. me and my family.
But he isnt.
I feel maybe death is just another shortcut, but then again, shortcut to where?!
I dont know what to feel.
I'm depressed again
I feel nothing again
I dont want to feel pain. I hate being hurtful. I dont want to feel pain.
But in the end I dont know what to feel
I feel like.... I want to just die and wont be able to feel pain.
No more.
But... maybe death is not another way to stop this pain
I dont know what to feel
I want to stop feeling....
*how can someone feel the different thing on the same time*
Lately I dont know what to feel.
I feel like I'm dying. I want to die. But I'm scared of death. I dont want to die.
I dont know what to feel.
I've been missing my daddy more.
Hoping that he should be here. Hoping that nothing change. Hoping that someone should be here to protect me. me and my family.
But he isnt.
I feel maybe death is just another shortcut, but then again, shortcut to where?!
I dont know what to feel.
I'm depressed again
I feel nothing again
I dont want to feel pain. I hate being hurtful. I dont want to feel pain.
But in the end I dont know what to feel
I feel like.... I want to just die and wont be able to feel pain.
No more.
But... maybe death is not another way to stop this pain
I dont know what to feel
I want to stop feeling....
Monday, 10 October 2011
10.10.11 (3)
God, I'm getting weaker.... I obviosly need a man in my life. someone who will help me stand even stronger. someone who will protect me, and let me protect him.
Someone who wouldnt ever let me get hurt. someone who will make us depend on each other.
Someone who will live with me for the rest of our life.
Please God...
faster....
Someone who wouldnt ever let me get hurt. someone who will make us depend on each other.
Someone who will live with me for the rest of our life.
Please God...
faster....
10.10.11 (2)
I hate it when someone order me how to do something, well, how to control the way I feel.
I really hate it.
why dont they leave me alone? why keep pushing me around when I dont like it?
Why? Why?
It's like I'm not being able to feel for myself.
someone obviously pushing me to keep doing it.
And I hate it. I even hate it only thinking of it.
I really hate it.
why dont they leave me alone? why keep pushing me around when I dont like it?
Why? Why?
It's like I'm not being able to feel for myself.
someone obviously pushing me to keep doing it.
And I hate it. I even hate it only thinking of it.
10.10.11
today: pissed--well, not today, but the day before
why ppl share their heavy problems with other ppl when they know that it's already heavy enough?
or maybe it's just because somehow by telling that problem to other ppl will make the problem dissolve, disappear, solved?
or maybe just because ppl need and will get sympathy?
well... it makes me think....
my skripsi thing is killing me
and obviously someone making me think of another problem.
I didnt ask for it.
why ppl share their heavy problems with other ppl when they know that it's already heavy enough?
or maybe it's just because somehow by telling that problem to other ppl will make the problem dissolve, disappear, solved?
or maybe just because ppl need and will get sympathy?
well... it makes me think....
my skripsi thing is killing me
and obviously someone making me think of another problem.
I didnt ask for it.
Sunday, 9 October 2011
07-09.10.11
pissed again.
He's back again. I dont ask for it.
I dont even talk sweet to him! NO I DONT! obviously not!
but why does he keep coming back?!
saying that it's unfinished matter.
well, it does!
I can be his good friend if he wants to. well, I always trying to be one good friend.
But I think he wants more.
The more I know him, the more I realize that he's not 'the right man', well not for me.
he has no quality that I'm looking for.
He is will-weak you know.... easy to give up... easy to be depressed....
I dont think I need that type. I'm easy to depressed and pretty lazy in person. I need someone who would stand stronger than I do. someone who I can depend on--not someone who can depend on me. NO. big no way.
God, please help me find a man who fits my type. Because I obviously need someone I can depend on these days.
He's back again. I dont ask for it.
I dont even talk sweet to him! NO I DONT! obviously not!
but why does he keep coming back?!
saying that it's unfinished matter.
well, it does!
I can be his good friend if he wants to. well, I always trying to be one good friend.
But I think he wants more.
The more I know him, the more I realize that he's not 'the right man', well not for me.
he has no quality that I'm looking for.
He is will-weak you know.... easy to give up... easy to be depressed....
I dont think I need that type. I'm easy to depressed and pretty lazy in person. I need someone who would stand stronger than I do. someone who I can depend on--not someone who can depend on me. NO. big no way.
God, please help me find a man who fits my type. Because I obviously need someone I can depend on these days.
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
26.09.2011
today: ???
I'm always scared of failing *again* like thousand times in my life consist of lists of my failure.
I'm scared
but I can't help seeing someone racing over me.
So I will pull my self together.
I dont know how I will face that failure *again*
but I think I can endure it.
I will.
Well, I have to.
I'm always scared of failing *again* like thousand times in my life consist of lists of my failure.
I'm scared
but I can't help seeing someone racing over me.
So I will pull my self together.
I dont know how I will face that failure *again*
but I think I can endure it.
I will.
Well, I have to.
Saturday, 24 September 2011
25.09.2011
today: red
what to do?!
I dont know what I should do to please my mother
why she never did once, support me with supporting words?! not even once!
she kept pestering me.... didnt she know that gives me pressure!
I'm the easily depressed type.....
I drew a good drawing, but she never said it's a good picture. not even once!
I dont hate her. I tried my best to please her *and my father* since I was in junior high school.
I know she never expect something like that from me.
But at least once, she could have said something good to me.
once, she should have supported me.
what to do?!
I dont know what I should do to please my mother
why she never did once, support me with supporting words?! not even once!
she kept pestering me.... didnt she know that gives me pressure!
I'm the easily depressed type.....
I drew a good drawing, but she never said it's a good picture. not even once!
I dont hate her. I tried my best to please her *and my father* since I was in junior high school.
I know she never expect something like that from me.
But at least once, she could have said something good to me.
once, she should have supported me.
Tuesday, 20 September 2011
20.09.2011 (2)
got home already too tired...
so I dont have time to think too much
I hate myself for thinking too much
I guess I sometimes stopped being myself.
well, who cares anyway?
so I dont have time to think too much
I hate myself for thinking too much
I guess I sometimes stopped being myself.
well, who cares anyway?
20.09.2011
today: confuse
okay, obviously.... I put another fake smile again....
I just dont know what to say....
I think those things are not funny....
but people keep making fun of it.
I think it will only make the situation gets awkward.
maybe I think too much
I said only little things today
well, I dont know if this only gets on my mind...
but.. they seems to not listening to me
and I hate that
maybe I think too much *again*
okay, obviously.... I put another fake smile again....
I just dont know what to say....
I think those things are not funny....
but people keep making fun of it.
I think it will only make the situation gets awkward.
maybe I think too much
I said only little things today
well, I dont know if this only gets on my mind...
but.. they seems to not listening to me
and I hate that
maybe I think too much *again*
Monday, 19 September 2011
19.09.2011
today: feeling better today
got caught in the book I read. I dont have time to feel lonely.
just wait till I finished the book.
and I will read another book.
got caught in the book I read. I dont have time to feel lonely.
just wait till I finished the book.
and I will read another book.
Sunday, 18 September 2011
18.09.2011 (2)
i'm pretty ambitious on whatever I did.
I want to be the number one
I want to be the winner
I want to be the main character
I want to be the center of attention for what I did
I guess, I can be pretty--no, really ambitious.
I want to be the number one
I want to be the winner
I want to be the main character
I want to be the center of attention for what I did
I guess, I can be pretty--no, really ambitious.
18.09.2011
today: usual
everything is not like what we see in the surface
lips might be smiling, but you'll never know what's deep inside
you might think that s/he is carefree, lead a happy round life
but you'll never know
you'll never know.
everything is not like what we see in the surface
lips might be smiling, but you'll never know what's deep inside
you might think that s/he is carefree, lead a happy round life
but you'll never know
you'll never know.
Saturday, 17 September 2011
17.09.2011 (2)
today: a little better
thank God today I feel a little better compared to the days before.
I dont know what happen, it's just that I feel better
hope it lasts long
thank God today I feel a little better compared to the days before.
I dont know what happen, it's just that I feel better
hope it lasts long
16.09.2011 (2)
sometimes I feel.... tired of living
it's true
that
it's harder to life than choose to die.
but i'm not ready to die....
it's true
that
it's harder to life than choose to die.
but i'm not ready to die....
Friday, 16 September 2011
16.09.2011
yesterday, today: lonely
I'm in a middle of the crowd
somehow, i feel so lonely
damn lonely.
I feel i'm a faker.
I fake my smile.
I fake my laugh.
I dont even know how to laugh whole-heartedly
I'm with my friends,
my friends who I claim as my best friends.
but still I feel lonely.
very lonely
loneliness is painful
it hurts so much
being alone is.... so much pain
I'm in a middle of the crowd
somehow, i feel so lonely
damn lonely.
I feel i'm a faker.
I fake my smile.
I fake my laugh.
I dont even know how to laugh whole-heartedly
I'm with my friends,
my friends who I claim as my best friends.
but still I feel lonely.
very lonely
loneliness is painful
it hurts so much
being alone is.... so much pain
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