Waa...
it's really been a long time since my last trashing.
hahahaha
well... life has been good.
I got no complaint, YET.
but I have one... my novel is cancelled... how annoying is that... ck ck ck. I should have join the competition by Grasindo if they notice me sooner...
no matter..
still trying as hard as I can...
but always finding new block blocking my road. BLOCKS always appear, y'know....
however, it's been satisfying...
I got a good job, make my own money, and such and such and such.
but still no boyfriend...
always nagged to getting married. but I still have a lot to achieve. I want to study, make more money, travel around the world.... I dont want to get "tied" first. boyfriend is okay. husband? I'll have to reconsider...
Lately, I've been feeling empty inside. I dont know why. but the emptiness keep building..
It scares me. really scares me....
perhaps the future scares me?
or losing the chance of having a better future scare me?
I dont know...
T^T
I hope my heart will be getting better...
Wednesday, 5 June 2013
Monday, 20 August 2012
August 2012
Been a while since the last time I wrote in this... been feeling a little better after everything I've been through.
My thesis thing is finally done. My graduation is coming up this September. Please be everything alright.
But I failed again. No, I dont feel like failing. I did fail. I dont know what I did wrong.
I dont know if I write bad, no one tells me that I do. I just... dont know.
Maybe my writing is not good enough. maybe it's not good at all. I dont know.
The thing I know is I keeps failing.
But I dont want to stop. I just dont want to regret doing something I didnt do.
I prefer die trying rather than live but regretting what I didnt do.
But I dont know how 'keeps failing' makes me stronger. I guess it did.
But if I keep doing that, I think I'm a failure....
I never did anything right, did I?
T^T
My thesis thing is finally done. My graduation is coming up this September. Please be everything alright.
But I failed again. No, I dont feel like failing. I did fail. I dont know what I did wrong.
I dont know if I write bad, no one tells me that I do. I just... dont know.
Maybe my writing is not good enough. maybe it's not good at all. I dont know.
The thing I know is I keeps failing.
But I dont want to stop. I just dont want to regret doing something I didnt do.
I prefer die trying rather than live but regretting what I didnt do.
But I dont know how 'keeps failing' makes me stronger. I guess it did.
But if I keep doing that, I think I'm a failure....
I never did anything right, did I?
T^T
Thursday, 3 November 2011
02.11.2011
Have you ever feel that you always keep failing?
Never winning on something worth while.
Always have the glitch that you will always fail?
No matter how many tries you're trying to pull, but in the end you will keep failing?
No matter how many prayers, how many tears, how many sorrows
it will always keep failing?
I did. I always did.
How many times I tried, it keeps failing... pieces by pieces.
But I dont want to stop. I feel that I cant stop.
Although I know in the end, I will fail.
Hurt, but true.
Never winning on something worth while.
Always have the glitch that you will always fail?
No matter how many tries you're trying to pull, but in the end you will keep failing?
No matter how many prayers, how many tears, how many sorrows
it will always keep failing?
I did. I always did.
How many times I tried, it keeps failing... pieces by pieces.
But I dont want to stop. I feel that I cant stop.
Although I know in the end, I will fail.
Hurt, but true.
Tuesday, 1 November 2011
01.11.2011
today: empty, angry
*how can someone feel the different thing on the same time*
Lately I dont know what to feel.
I feel like I'm dying. I want to die. But I'm scared of death. I dont want to die.
I dont know what to feel.
I've been missing my daddy more.
Hoping that he should be here. Hoping that nothing change. Hoping that someone should be here to protect me. me and my family.
But he isnt.
I feel maybe death is just another shortcut, but then again, shortcut to where?!
I dont know what to feel.
I'm depressed again
I feel nothing again
I dont want to feel pain. I hate being hurtful. I dont want to feel pain.
But in the end I dont know what to feel
I feel like.... I want to just die and wont be able to feel pain.
No more.
But... maybe death is not another way to stop this pain
I dont know what to feel
I want to stop feeling....
*how can someone feel the different thing on the same time*
Lately I dont know what to feel.
I feel like I'm dying. I want to die. But I'm scared of death. I dont want to die.
I dont know what to feel.
I've been missing my daddy more.
Hoping that he should be here. Hoping that nothing change. Hoping that someone should be here to protect me. me and my family.
But he isnt.
I feel maybe death is just another shortcut, but then again, shortcut to where?!
I dont know what to feel.
I'm depressed again
I feel nothing again
I dont want to feel pain. I hate being hurtful. I dont want to feel pain.
But in the end I dont know what to feel
I feel like.... I want to just die and wont be able to feel pain.
No more.
But... maybe death is not another way to stop this pain
I dont know what to feel
I want to stop feeling....
Monday, 10 October 2011
10.10.11 (3)
God, I'm getting weaker.... I obviosly need a man in my life. someone who will help me stand even stronger. someone who will protect me, and let me protect him.
Someone who wouldnt ever let me get hurt. someone who will make us depend on each other.
Someone who will live with me for the rest of our life.
Please God...
faster....
Someone who wouldnt ever let me get hurt. someone who will make us depend on each other.
Someone who will live with me for the rest of our life.
Please God...
faster....
10.10.11 (2)
I hate it when someone order me how to do something, well, how to control the way I feel.
I really hate it.
why dont they leave me alone? why keep pushing me around when I dont like it?
Why? Why?
It's like I'm not being able to feel for myself.
someone obviously pushing me to keep doing it.
And I hate it. I even hate it only thinking of it.
I really hate it.
why dont they leave me alone? why keep pushing me around when I dont like it?
Why? Why?
It's like I'm not being able to feel for myself.
someone obviously pushing me to keep doing it.
And I hate it. I even hate it only thinking of it.
10.10.11
today: pissed--well, not today, but the day before
why ppl share their heavy problems with other ppl when they know that it's already heavy enough?
or maybe it's just because somehow by telling that problem to other ppl will make the problem dissolve, disappear, solved?
or maybe just because ppl need and will get sympathy?
well... it makes me think....
my skripsi thing is killing me
and obviously someone making me think of another problem.
I didnt ask for it.
why ppl share their heavy problems with other ppl when they know that it's already heavy enough?
or maybe it's just because somehow by telling that problem to other ppl will make the problem dissolve, disappear, solved?
or maybe just because ppl need and will get sympathy?
well... it makes me think....
my skripsi thing is killing me
and obviously someone making me think of another problem.
I didnt ask for it.
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